second wives support group

Phoebe's Story

Hi, I'm 53 with grown up children and three grandchildren, who I don't see a lot of as my daughter their Mother moved away when she had her first child. Unfortunately, when she was growing up I had two failed marriages and became a widow and also I was a single parent very poor I might add, as my previous husband who had passed away, and whose business I had invested all my savings in from my first marriage, (having sets aside money first for my children) left me absolutely penniless and bankrupt 3-times over. He was also very violent and I had run away several times, last time ending up in a refuge with my kids.

I had by this time exhausted the sympathies of my own family and they were slight weary of the SAGA, as myself and children were labelled! (no jokes about the poverty please, it was genuine, some ex-wives don't know they're living today as we well know). I had five jobs at one stage, after I eventually returned to my home town.

As luck would have it I finally got a council house, quite near my Mother. The job situation meant my eldest did a lot of minding her siblings. My Mother was quite elderly and could not manage three teenagers, but was near by enough to over see them and cope if any emergencies occurred. As you can imagine when I wasn't there my daughter was in charge, when I was back home I was in charge - this led to lots of arguments and actual fights.

My daughter was engaged by the time she was 17, he was a lot older but a really nice guy !!! She moved in with him and became pregnant a year later but he wasn't interested, He actually got re-located with his job and moved!! (Yes I tracked him down).

My daughter returned home and was obviously broken hearted, I became her birth partner and she had a lovely little girl (or we did) that's what it felt like. I gave up work she went back to work so I now looked after baby as well - My Mother had had a stroke so I became her carer, seeing to her every day. In the meantime one of my sons was in a car accident, nothing too serious but he needed lots of convalescence, had nightmares and had lost his best friend, who was killed in the accident ! So he had attended his first burial with support from me. All very traumatic and too sad for words.

I have also suffered from ME since I was 20-years old, so had some really bad days, don't drive etc; a big set back but we managed to get to places by bus and taxi, but I was very weary some days and had no energy, my kids grew up with this! - Just another frustration to my daughter, who sometimes accused me of putting it on!

Anyhow we stumbled on, this gorgeous grandchild became like my baby and responded to me, my little shadow and asked for me at bedtimes etc. This caused more rows and arguments, and over all estrangement with my daughter who was now the main bread winner! - My god did she let me know it !!! I became like her nanny, waitress, char etc. My friends started to comment on this, but I shrugged it off as doing my best for everyone.

I eventually decided to go to college and update my secretarial skills, which caused a disruption in the household, as the child minding had to be restructured and my daughter had to step in and help. I did a short course in Counselling as well and it was enabled me to re-think my life, (my light-bulb moment). One question the Tutor asked on the Counselling course was do we ever said no to people, when asked for our help?

I had to admit I had being saying yes and ok I'll do that for you; for a very long time. It changed my whole out look and I started going out more and having some time for myself. It felt good , I felt free.

This didn't go down too well at all at home and there were more rows and upsets.

Eventually my daughter met someone else and moved out with (our) baby who was now two and a half. I felt as though I had been broken in half, but plodded on. My daughter said that she wanted to get as far away from me as possible. I didn't think I'd been that bad and it hurt me too much to describe, I felt I'd always been there for her and did my best for her and the baby, plus the others and my Mother!! Her new boyfriend had convinced her I was a possessive, obsessive women who was trying to tell her how to lead her life and bring up her baby. I didn't like him much from the start, they moved away and eventually ended up living near his parents, who my daughter describes as stable and wonderful.

I was going out and about a bit more by this time and went to 40th birthday party, as persuaded to by an old school friend. I met J (it was his birthday) who is now my husband. Not that I wanted a relationship at that time - I was actually enjoying my freedom, there was a bit more money at home, one son had gone to live with his Dad, who I am still friends with and have managed to be over 30 years, the other son was working, my Mum was in an old people's residential home and I was working, things were much better.

I had met a lot of bums since my last husband had died and had to pick up a lot pieces and do a lot of healing. Men had become a bit of a nuisance and I was not too enamoured by their presence at this time in my life. This one was different (how many times have we all said that) he was kind, shy, sexy, well-mannered, beautifully spoken, dressed smart but casual, and wanted to take me out! I stayed the night with my friend and the next day, he made us a breakfast picnic in his garden, it was so romantic.

The relationship took off quite quickly and we became absorbed. Then down to earth with a bump - his three children aged 4, 6, and 9, who came every other weekend to stay at his house. Don't get me wrong they were beautiful and still are, when not sulking and being surly but have inherited their Mothers' genes! When they came to stay at their Dads' they were accompanied by a long list from their Mum. Instructions of what the boys did and didn't do, their needs, wants, medication, likes and dislike etc, from the ex-wife, it was almost unbelievable and we had to laugh or we would of cried! Always about a half hour after J had picked them up, the ex wife would phone his house to discuss some problem about the boys, but when he picked them up she wouldn't speak to him, and he was always handed his list by the eldest child, from MUM. She incidentally ended their marriage, because she fell out of love with him!! They were going through with their Divorce when I met him.

He was very wounded and missed his children like mad, I encouraged him to talk and that yes, it was OK for men to cry - a wonderful Dad, but a bit too soft. I was introduced to the children but still let them have their weekends with their Dad. Time had rolled on I had eventually managed to buy my house and moved in with J. It was hell when the kids came to stay as they told me I was not supposed to be there as it was their house- that Mummy said they had two houses. We had some heart-wrenching moments, and I stayed with friends a lot and sometimes with my daughter to get out of the way, we got to the stage, J and I of nearly splitting up here, we had lots of Counselling!!!

Here we are, nine years later, they have grown up, we have moved to our house, married and settled. We still get calls from his ex-wife, about money, she doesn't seem to have another subject to talk about. My Husband has never missed a payment, and we have taken them away each year for a weeks holiday mainly abroad centred round what they want, sometimes it was good other times it was just a waste of energy.

On top of all that she always sent them to us on our weekends, in scruffy clothes and J ended up buying them new clothes. I used to want to punch my husband quite hard at the blindness of his love to them. I was just as bad with my own children. We have supplied all sports kit to all of them, give them pocket money (Mummy wouldn't) paid for all musical instruments, and for all school trips etc, even bought winter coats. She constantly says she has no money, even though she gets at least 15K from us, plus her wages, her Child allowance, Family Credit and does private work on the side at home!

Several years ago she drew all their money from their Post Office accounts and bought a new car and told us afterwards. The children were unaware of this at the time, my husband later wrote them all a letter explaining what had happened, as he felt they had a right know. They constantly asked for money from these accounts and so therefore the letter answered their questions. I still don't think they really absorbed all the facts, but understand well enough now. The Ex was the one person in control of the accounts. When we contacted our Solicitor she said there was nothing we could do !!! Once again she got away with something, I was exasperated.

Now the eldest is 17-years old and wants his money back, as he is learning to drive and wants to buy a car, this is not peanuts we are talking about but Ł3,000 - Ł4,000 for each child that was given each year to them by my husband's parents as a gift.

Guess what she still hasn't paid the money back and is now saying that she doesn't want the eldest boy to buy a car with his money, that she should be able to tell him what to spend it on! She will not let him have any practice lessons in her car, my husband does that in our car.

My husband is in favour of him having a car and thinks his grandparents would of wanted him to spend it on what he likes.

So therefore the ex is now saying she will put the money into my husband's hands as she doesn't want any responsibility attached to this money, and if J lets the eldest boy buy a car and anything happens to the boy then she will hold my husband personally responsible.

Talk about emotional blackmail (which incidentally is all we've ever had from her), my darling husband is beside himself, what does he do next? They are arranging a joint meeting (parents and boy) to discuss it all because the boy cannot persuade his MUM that it is is his money and he wants a car. The ex wants the boy to spend the money on a gap year or University - which she expects us to pay for, as apparently all the children will go to University!

I have had two good years, as regards to my health and am learning to drive myself, but have had a lot of severe headaches recently and feelings of exhaustion and have been diagnosed with Trigeminal Neuralgia, and am feeling at the end of my tether once again.

I love my husband dearly but his older boys now only contact him about money! If I had had his children, I would of been over the moon, but he feels he has failed them. On Father's Day this year, only the youngest turned up with a card and present. It was lovely but my husband cried later on in the day because he had no communication, or card from the others. Perhaps we shouldn't have expectations but it still hurts when they seem to forget you.

We are soldiering on, but the thought of all these rows and disagreements for another ten years as she will want the others to go to university as well, is making me feel quite ill. I can't wait to sort this latest saga out and feel like buying him a car myself. My daughter incidentally had now got three children and still lives near her Ma-in-law who thinks I fancy her husband, because we have had a laugh together on the occasions when we have all met up at christenings etc.

Unfortunately not at their wedding, as my daughter did it in secret we were told the next day. I was ill for weeks after that little gem of information from my new son-in-law!!!

I see my daughter and her children every now and again it's still strained, but she has to live her own life. I have one son of mine living here and he's no trouble, but wants his own place - saving like mad. He can't believe the way J's kids treat their Dad, as he personally loves their Dad like a Father.

Funny old world isn't it.