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I met my husband almost 13
years ago. He was separated with two girls aged 6 and 8. His wife had an
affair and this was the main cause of the split. I had recently come out
of a bad relationship, and was living with a friend as my property had
been rented out. I had no children and had never been married.
When we first met, he was
living with his friend who had kindly given him a roof over his head. His
ex had him evicted from the marital home three days before Christmas,
using false accusations of violence to secure an injunction. I never
doubted he was not violent and did not believe her endless tales of
beatings and threats. My now husband has never shown any signs of being
violent, it must have been terrible for him to be handed an eviction
notice from his own home. All he was left with were a few clothes and a
sleeping bag which she demanded back a week later! There have also been
subsequent accusations of violence and the police have been sent to our
home.
Of course she did not press
charges as she knew there was no evidence, and she knew he would lose his
job. Without his money she could not afford to keep the house or sustain
her over inflated lifestyle. All this was done for affect and because she
enjoyed the power to wield the knife that the legal system handed to her.
We met through a friend and
liked each other immediately. We got on really well and enjoyed having fun
despite all the bitterness from the ex. I did not take to much notice of
it at first, as I thought it would just pass. I detached myself from it as
I reckoned it was none of my business. I did not realise at the time I was
being used as a weapon against him having contact with his children.
Basically, she was forcing him to choose, it was his children or me.
Although she had had an affair she did not think it justified getting
divorced!
There were endless streams
of solicitors letters, full of demands for more and more money even though
he had given her everything he had ever owned. We were struggling to live
on my salary, as he was still paying the mortgage. He could not afford a
solicitor to fight his case and he did not qualify for legal aid. As a
result, he had to represent himself as best he could.
After a few months, our
relationship got more serious and we moved into my flat together. This is
when she stepped up her campaign of terror towards me. I had briefly met
his two children although she would hardly ever allow him to see them. As
soon as they told her they had met me, the hysterical phone calls started.
She would call at all hours of the night and his contact with his children
ceased completely. Despite two court hearings he did not get a contact
order. The Judge was worried the children would suffer if she was forced
to allow contact. The Court welfare officer was thrown out of her home
when he tried to interview his children. The Courts did nothing to help
him and as a result he lost all contact with the children. This broke his
heart and still hurts him 13 years later.
I could rattle on for hours
about everything that has happened and the bitterness is still there to
this day. His ex never re-married and his children, now 18 and 20 still
have hardly anything to do with him. They were told I was the cause of the
marriage break up and we were having an affair behind her back. They
refuse to believe their mother was the one having the affair. The children
are sent to our house to scream abuse at him, and if I make an appearance
I am told to get lost. The ex still tells the children she receives/ed
little or no maintenance and that he spends all his money on me. If his
children dare to make contact with him she threatens to remove their cars,
horses and other material goods. Over the years we have suffered vandalism
to our cars and to our home. I cannot say for sure she was responsible for
it, but none of the neighbours had the same problems we did.
Despite all this, we have
grown stronger as a couple and we refuse to allow her to break us up. We
have been married now for eight years and have a 6 year old son of our
own. We have struggled to buy ourselves a nice home and I continue to work
full time to help pay the bills and support our little boy. The ex refers
to him as the "half breed" and the demands for money still continue.
Nobody out there seems to care about how this behaviour affects second
wives. The attitude of most is "you knew what you were taking on and that
she and the kids were there first". I had to return to work 16 weeks
after our son was born. We could not manage on what he had left after his
extortionate maintenance was paid. We could not claim tax credits etc as
maintenance payments are not taken into account.
The ex wife enjoys a high
standard of living through our and her own father's efforts, yet she still
pleads poverty! The youngest child will have finished university in 3
years time, and her hold on our finances are finally over. I suspect she
and her two girls will then resort to endless charm and tears to try and
make money from him.
Looking at other peoples
experiences on The BSWC has made me feel a lot better. I can take comfort
in knowing that I am not alone in this, and that there are others who will
understand that it is not my fault.
