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I will try to be as clear as
possible when telling my story but as many of you have probably
experienced, you can feel yourself building up to boiling point when you
think too much about the pain that has been caused. Anyway.............
I met my partner 4 years
ago. I had lived alone for around 5 years and was beginning to feel quite
lonely for a real relationship. I met M through an internet dating
service: I had been dating various guys this way over the previous couple
of years and was just about to give up on it until I met M. We hit it off
straight away and I would say that the thing that struck me about him
right from the start was his sensitivity and values. He told me right away
he had been married twice and had 4 children whom he loved dearly although
he obviously didn't want to at that stage tell me about the problems that
he'd had with their mothers and his ex parents in-law.
I will have to admit that we
felt so connected immediately and the feeling wasn't based on us fancying
each other, it was more than that.
He was living in a really
awful tiny place that you really couldn't swing a cat in. He had left
everything to his ex no.2 and said that he'd moved out of the marital home
around 4 months ago and that the decree absolute had come though a month
ago. I was initially a bit worried about him getting involved so soon and
was concerned he wasn't 'sorted' and was looking for a replacement too
soon. But 'hey', all of what they tell you to do in the self-help books
goes out of the window where your heart is concerned.
I was amazed at how happy we
were on hardly no money at all. I was living with a friend as I'd lost a
lot from a previous relationship and as a woman working in media, was
living from pay check to pay check.
Anyway about a month after
we met (I'd met his four children by this time), the phone calls started
coming from his ex making demands and threats. All of this I was told
about later as at that time, M was trying to protect me and the
relationship. She had also at that time, sold the house that M had left to
her and the children and the fella she'd been seeing secretly came out of
the woodwork. They put their money together and bought a very large house
and married very soon after. I found it unbelievable she had petitioned
the divorce and had been seeing this guy for some time secretly before and
yet still she was bitter about M having a relationship with anyone else!
I have a lovely 20 year old
daughter who is studying away and is living with her dad. We have always
had a good relationship and I had never experienced the mind games or
toxicity that M was having to deal with.
Two months after we fell in
love, I had a call at work to say that my brother had died. This was such
a shock and what made it worse was that he'd taken his own life. I was in
shock and M was so supportive at that time. At the same time his ex's
mother had sent a 4 page letter to M, his mother, grandmother and uncle
and to me (he had intercepted it) describing in great detail events that
had taken place over the 11 years of their marriage. Why would she do
this? I've never understood that. She even denied having had an affair
even though M had proof of it: this is awful and a bit seedy but M has a
camcorder and his ex had asked to borrow it whilst they were still living
together. After she gave it back to him she had taken the tape but didn't
realise that the film she'd taken was saved on the memory. It was
basically x-rated film involving the chap she was having the affair with.
M had made a copy of it but still she denied the affair.
After we'd been together for
a year we decided to move to a bigger place. We rented a very pretty barn
conversion but sadly things started to get worse. There were constant
interferences, text messages, emails from his ex to M. He became panicky
and defensive as he knew it was affecting us and I became paranoid and
very insecure. All I wanted was for him to be upfront about the
communication and I could see what she was trying to do.
The big mistake I made was
to email her and suggest she leave us alone and think about the children
and that the one day a month they saw their father was quality time. Wow
was I in for a surprise. She sent me a very long email that went into
detail about how I was living with a liar, a people-pleaser, fantasiser
and that it took her 11 years to suss him out and how I should take note
of what she was saying as I was older than her and 'didn't have the time'
to waste on him. She had met up with him a few months prior (I knew about
that) as he wanted to get her to agree a private arrangement for money for
the children. I remember him coming back to me that day and he had told me
they had a row and she wouldn't agree to it - no surprises there. However
her account of what had been said on that day was completely different to
his.
I was furious and in a state
of shock. I became depressed and instantly didn't trust him. I was also
living in a fairly small town with no friends and no job. I had to go on
anti-depressants and didn't trust a thing he told me about anything.
That was around two years
ago and we have since moved again but even though we have our peaks, the
troughs are pretty bad. I always have this feeling he is lying to me and
just wants to keep me with him. I know he can't stand her but I never feel
really secure in the relationship. On the few occasions the little ones
came to stay with us, I went out of my way to make their stay enjoyable
but when they arrived they would come armed with a mobile phone as she had
asked them to call her to say that they were okay, she also gave them junk
food to bring with them. (I love cooking and don't like giving children
pop tarts for their breakfast). I know that this is all control but I feel
quite weak as I have let it get to me.
She demanded M could only
have access to the children if I was not present. He told her that he not
going to listen to her demands and on the past two occasions that he has
travelled 60 miles to pick up the children, there has been no one there.
He has reluctantly had to go to a solicitor who has sent two letters to
her and she has ignored them. He has now decided to apply for a court
order but I worry this will open another can of worms. There are so many
days where I feel like packing my bags and just leaving but to go where? I
feel completely unfocussed and very confused. M isn't very strong with all
of this and he also feels insecure about things although he is devoted to
me.
What a mess.
