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I came over from New Zealand
on my 'Big OE' in June 2000. I visited Europe and then settled in
Yorkshire, where I have family, with a view to visiting Scotland and
Ireland. In August 2000 I realised money didn't go as far as I hoped and I
found employment in Yorkshire, which is where I met my now husband.
At the time, my husband had
been having trouble with his partner for months and in August 2000 he
decided to go on holiday with his mate to The USA to try and clear his
head. The day he got back to work after his holiday was the day I started
work on reception. (His ex will swear that we met in The USA while they
were still together, but I have never even been to The USA!)
When my husband returned
from The USA he told his partner it was over, and it wasn't until October
that year that he asked me out. We clicked immediately and I practically
moved in after the first night! I knew he had a 7 year old son, and he
also played 'daddy' to his ex-partner's 3 year old daughter. My husband
and his ex had a son, then he and his ex split up and she married someone
else, who she had a daughter with. Things didn't work out between them and
my partner ended up getting back together with her, therefore raising her
daughter. Once she re-established herself with my husband, she told her ex
husband he wasn't allowed contact with his daughter. I know now that this
is because she expected my husband to be there forever, raising this child
as his own. She was wrong....
His son and his step
daughter would visit every Sunday and stay the night whenever their Mother
wanted them to. Unfortunately she had total control over my husband
because he knew how devious she could be he simply had to do what she
asked otherwise she would threaten him with not seeing the children (why
are ex partners so damn horrible?)
We live in a tiny 2 bedroom
cottage, and one of the bedrooms was used as a storage room, so when the
kids stayed, his step daughter slept in her travel cot in our room and his
son had to sleep in our bed, with us. Yes, I hated it!!
There was one occasion in
particular I will never forget. Both my husband and I worked for a
Motorsport company and we received free tickets to go to a Motorsport
event one Sunday afternoon. We had only been seeing one another for 2 or 3
months at this stage. My husband told his ex that we would happily take
his son, but it would be too noisy for his step daughter and she wouldn't
enjoy it, so she wouldn't be able to come. His ex was fine with that at
the time, but when we got back and took his son home she came storming out
the house saying how much of a handful his step daughter had been and
"this was the last time you take your son anywhere without taking your
step daughter". I didn't think this was at all fair, as his step daughter
wasn't even my husband's child, but I kept my mouth shut. There were times
over the next couple of years where similar things would happen: "if you
don't baby sit this weekend you won't see the kids ever again".
Subsequently, we cancelled many plans, because my husband knew it wasn't
just an idle threat and he was terrified she'd take his son away.
Eventually I became pregnant
and my husband mentioned we wouldn't be able to cope with three children
at our tiny cottage and he was going to tell his ex he couldn't see his
step daughter as often as he saw his son. Well that went down like a lead
balloon and he stood on her doorstep for an hour trying to reason with
her, while I sat in the car. She told my husband if he wasn't seeing his
step daughter all the time then he wasn't seeing his son. I was furious!!
His step daughter wasn't even his child!!!
He didn't want to give his
step daughter up completely, he simply knew we couldn't cope with three
kids every weekend. He surprised me by standing his ground. He knew she
could be evil, and half expected never to see his son again. He'd never
gone against her before so he didn't know what to expect. The following
weekend she phoned to ask if he was having the kids. He replied by saying
he'd be having his son, and she said 'and your step daughter?' When he
said no, she realised he meant it and accepted he was only going to pick
his son up.
After several weeks of just
seeing his son, she phoned to make sure my husband was still happy just
seeing his son and not his step daughter. He said he was and she replied
with 'that's OK, the ball is in your court'. It obviously wasn't the reply
she was hoping for because a few days later we received a text saying what
an awful father my husband was and how could he do this to a little girl
etc etc etc. The emotional blackmail was flowing freely that night!
We never did see his step
daughter after that, which was for the best. The ex was that much of a
manipulative cow that she'd still be controlling our lives if we were
still seeing her daughter. His son is now 13 and we make direct
contact with him, without even speaking to her, which really annoys her!
His son is currently
visiting us every Sunday from 9am to 1pm. He's more interested in his
mates these days so is happy with this arrangement. His mother constantly
gets in touch to say how unhappy his son is and he wishes things were
different between his mum and dad. He visited a child psychologist about 3
years ago because he wasn't happy. When we asked for a copy of the
psychologist's report, she wouldn't give it to us but she claimed the
reason his son was upset was because he wanted his mum and dad to be
together and he didn't like me. She also said he was upset that his dad
had a new family and he felt pushed out. This turned out to be totally
untrue.
My husband is struggling
with his son at the moment because he's in trouble at school and has
developed a terrible attitude. He's mentioned it to his ex in the past but
she blames my husband for not being there for him more. My husband does
more for his son than a lot of people in his situation.
He's 13 and his mother has
no idea where he is or what he gets up to. He lives in a bad area and
associates with bad kids. We know he drinks lager, stays out until all
hours and has been bullying at school. His mother won't listen and doesn't
care. He's on a downward spiral and we're powerless to do anything. We
don't have space for him here, and to be completely honest I wouldn't want
him here full time. I have a 3 year old and a 4 month old in a 2 bedroom
cottage. I couldn't suddenly take on a teenager.
Another little dilemma we
have is that we're moving to New Zealand in 2008. We haven't told him, nor
his mother, that we're going yet..... We would have moved there 3 years
ago if it weren't for his son, which proves how much his father cares
about him.
