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My partner and I have been
together for two and a half years now. We love each other very much and
are very well suited. We have a lot in common and our lives together are
very special. We got engaged last year and have just moved into a house we
have bought together. I have a 15 year old son and he has a 14 year old
and an 18 year son.
We are both divorced. I have
been divorced for 5 years, he for 11 years plus. The problem is the ex
wife has never really seemed to move on with her life. She still lives in
the ex marital home, which for reasons I do not fully understand, was
transferred completely into her name during the divorce proceedings. From
there she seems to spend large quantities of her time exerting all
possible forms of manipulation to prevent my partner from moving on.
The theme is always one of
the guilt my partner should feel for ending the marriage and extensive
attempts to place herself in the role of wife needing support off husband
who needs to return to family home to complete family unit. He apparently
had an affair and eventually left her for someone else, which as a woman
and mother myself can understand must have been devastating and appalling
to go through. He has his own side of the story of course but has suffered
very badly with guilt over the years. The ex wife is not adverse to
bringing it up now even many years on in front of the children. I strongly
get the impression, especially from 'meaningful' comments made by the
eldest son to me regarding 'tarts', that I am used as somewhat of a
scapegoat for the ex wife's unresolved pain which is very hurtful.
The worst part of it all is
the lengths she will go with psychological abuse to either or both of the
sons in such a way my partner is forced to intervene. One is played off
against the other, false accusations are made of them hurting her, the
eldest had a drink problem last year and we had a dreadful weekend
recently where we had to collect the youngest who was very distraught. I
could not detect any emotion shown by his mother as she threw out her 14
year old son. I get the feeling she was trying to cause a problem between
me and my partner but she really went too far. He was so distressed he
collapsed and he still, as far as I am aware, has not attended the doctors
in case there is a physical problem there.
It has taken the time I have
known my partner for him to trust me. I think he has stayed on his own and
ended relationships to limit the pain suffered by his children for his
mistake. I cannot go into everything but there have been many incidents
and we have nearly split up a couple of times. I feel sorry for the ex and
I feel she needs help, but I am appalled by the pain suffered by everyone
else because of her problem. I suppose everything is relative but I don't
think this woman has any concept of the reality of divorce financially and
emotionally for other women. She has had it relatively cushy from what I
can see.
I think The British Second
Wives Club is great! Finally being able to express feelings that you
bottle up. I can relate to so much of what others are going through. I
think the advice on coping with 'baggage' is great and helpful.
Unfortunately for this ex I am a very determined and genuine woman and I
really do love this man. I have learnt to control my emotional reactions,
think it over and only discuss resolvable things at a later date. I
encourage our family unit, we have trips out, family visits etc as often
as possible together. I live in the hope the ex will finally burn herself
out. The youngest is considering coming to live with us. I think it is
important the issues with his mother are dealt with and that his
relationship with her is respected and supported. I care about him and
have my own separate bond with him, but know he must not feel rejected by
his mother as this will damage him for the rest of his life.
My advice to all would be to
think about what you really want and if it is and if the man in your life
is right for you stand firm and determined and don't give in to it. Think
about the long term, most of these damaged women move on to new
relationships eventually or the children grow up and it is easier to have
a relationship with them when they leave and move on themselves. As a step
mother you have to be stronger and wiser than the ex, but you have what
she wants - a good relationship where she has failed.
