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I was 29, single and had not
previously been married, but had been in a 7 year relationship two years
before. I moved to a new job and met my now husband, where we worked very
closely. I developed a great respect for him, but as he was (seemingly)
happily married I did not make any move toward a relationship.
A few months later and out
of the blue, he told me he had very strong feelings for me and wanted to
know if I felt the same. I told him I did, but I was not prepared to have
an affair (nor did he suggest one). I told him that if he was ever single
then I would of course consider pursuing a relationship.
To my complete astonishment
(I thought that would be it), the next day he told his wife he was leaving
her, and moved out some weeks later. Our relationship began at that point.
We lived separately for a year before moving in together, and subsequently
marrying. We have been together for almost 10 years.
His wife went through the
usual drill. "I'll stop you seeing your kids", "I'll cause you so much
trouble" etc. She embarked on a tedious but very destructive PR campaign
against him, tearing up photos, destroying treasured documents, and
writing to all his friends and family telling them that he had already
started a relationship before he left, implying an affair. His family, all
and without exception, turned against him to some degree.
She takes no responsibility
for the breakdown of the relationship and has clearly stated to my husband
she blames me for everything. She says I should have sent him packing and
given him the chance to patch things up with her. She truly believes the
situation could have been rescued.
So, she refuses ever to
speak to me properly and the kids know she doesn't like me, which causes
tension. She has told them they can't love me because I am not a blood
relative. She constantly tries to undermine me, my husband, our
relationship, and the children's relationship with me. She puts him under
as much pressure as she can. The difference between her and some of the
other ex-wives I see written about within The BSWC is that she is very
good at what she does. She does it as cleverly as she can, always finding
what appears to be suitable justification for her actions. They are too
numerous to mention here.
My husband says the marriage
was a cold one. It worked well in a practical sense, but there was no
spark, intimacy or love affair. They did not discuss their innermost
feelings. Leaving her wasn't about sex, which was what he was accused of
by a lot of people (although it was always pretty much non-existent, not
just after the boys were born but before too. How conveniently she forgot
this.) He says she was negative, belligerent and controlling with an
enormous ego and constant need for recognition. He doesn't blame her for
the breakdown of the marriage and accepts his part in it, but expects her
to do the same. She won't of course, while she has me as a convenient
scapegoat.
The kids and I get on really
well, but they constantly have the conflict at the front of their minds,
which makes for many difficulties. What is important to note here, however
is that the kids get hurt far more than I do, but her objective is to use
them as vehicles for her hostility so she can't see that. Kids just want
to be allowed to accept their life as it is (it might not be hers but it
is theirs) but as she won't, they can't and therefore are unable to settle
down.
Gosh, I could go on, and I
haven't even included the list of things she and his family have done to
try and cause problems between us and the kids.
Maybe I'll write a part
2.....
